“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
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Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Have a lovely day 😊
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Boating season is upon us.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.