“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
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Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
My patience has stretch marks.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms