THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
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I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?