My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
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And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Ah yes. The three genders
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens