How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
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Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
I saw this ending much differently.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
This is a bad sign
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks