watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
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I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
That’s classic.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.