Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
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Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot