I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
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Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
uh oh
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
If only
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.