Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
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Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
my name if I was in the mob
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?