[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
You Might Also Like
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal