Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
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4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time