Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
You Might Also Like
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
awkward
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.