[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
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[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?