Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
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The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
can you read it!!??
maan!
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Actually cracking up @ this
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*