I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
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I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.