I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
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Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me