Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
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ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME: