Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
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Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.