Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
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If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Good morning
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Me trying to “trust the process”
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
This is I, Robot all over again
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.