Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
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Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
what it’s like dating me:
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.