A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
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Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
That’s it.I’m out.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.