ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
You Might Also Like
for all #parents out there
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
i can’t wait that long
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*