Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
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[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Camping tip: No.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”