Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
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waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up