I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
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When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.