My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
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I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
📽️movie date🎞️
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Traveler’s camo
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.