Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
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So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’