In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
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Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.