If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
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Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Perfection.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?