Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
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[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
The Joker was right
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
mmm onion ringos
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.