In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
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Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
LOOOOOOL
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
i baked you a cake
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.