Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
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Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
💁🏻♂️
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
meow
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich