Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
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Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Rambo Rambow
Ooops wrong house😂😜
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
You sure about that?
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..