This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
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My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Cats are still liquid.