I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
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Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.