Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
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My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
@ candidates for local office
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today