If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
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Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf