[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
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Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks