When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
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Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory