Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
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At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Monday Lisa
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…