ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
You Might Also Like
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
San Francisco has too many rules
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?