I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
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“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
went fishing caught a bass
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.