*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
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WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]