Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
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At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂