Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
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nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Seductively sings in Klingon.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Coffee for people with no kids
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.