My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
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I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
She was REALLY feeling it.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?