I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
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My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Why is this me 😫
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Ion see the issue
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
The opposite of goth is stopth.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.