DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
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Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.