I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
You Might Also Like
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE