You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
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The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Very problematic
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future